SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON (1960)

RELEASE DATE: Wednesday 21st December 1960

 

SYNOPSIS: A family gets shipwrecked and must make a new life for themselves on the island they have washed up on.

IRVYNE: I had never seen Swiss Family Robinson before. And it is NOT the movie I was expecting it to be!

MALEFICENT: Worst Disney movie ever!

 

SHENZI: It's so wrong on almost every level!

 

MALEFICENT: If we didn't spend the whole movie making inappropriate comments, we would have gone to sleep. Stupid movie. There's cruelty to animals, racism, sexism...

IRVYNE: I guess on the plus side, I have not laughed so hard in a very long time... But this movie is not a comedy! And the hilarious comments we were making throughout were not complimentary of the film itself!

HAKU: I'm pretty sure the Asian pirates were speaking with some made-up language!

SHENZI: And it's terribly acted.

 

MALEFICENT: And badly scripted too.

IRVYNE: And at least half an hour too long, clocking in at over 2 hours.

 

HAKU: The pacing was awful.

 

MERRYWEATHER: That fight with the rubber snake could have been shorter.

IRVYNE: I just can't get over the animal cruelty! I'm quite the animal lover myself, and I can't handle seeing animals badly treated. And boy, they were badly treated in the making of this film!

 

MALEFICENT: That poor ostrich!

HAKU: The poor tiger!

MALEFICENT: The tiger that got mauled by two giant dogs, all in the name of entertainment! And don't forget the zebra freaking out because he's about to be eaten by hyenas. And he's drowning in quicksand at the same time.

 

IRVYNE: There is no way they would get away with treating animals like that in a movie these days!

 

HAKU: The scene where the kid was being dragged behind the ostrich was like animal-cruelty and child-cruelty all in one single shot.

 

IRVYNE: I don't care about the child. Stupid kid knew what he'd signed up for.

 

MALEFICENT: Yeah, we all wanted that kid to die.

SHENZI: "Come on, little fella. I won't hurt you..."

 

IRVYNE: I just wanted to yell at him. "LEAVE THAT FREAKING TURTLE ALONE!!"

I love it at the end how the elephant just makes a break for the ocean. He's like, "I'm outta here. I'd rather die drowning than have to put up with that wretched kid another second!"

SHENZI: Well I thought I'd seen this movie before, but it's not at all what I remember.

 

IRVYNE: Isn't it telling, watching Swiss Family Robinson and Sleeping Beauty side-by-side, how differently they've aged? The live-action stuff is just SO dated. There's only so much you can forgive them for being in "the early days of cinema." I mean, this was the 1960s. They should have known how to make a tight, snappy movie by then.

 

HAKU: So much has changed culturally since 1960. The way that the women are represented in this movie is just embarrassing.

IRVYNE: Here's a couple of quick facts I researched about the cast. The oldest Robinson child, Fritz, was played by James MacArthur, who would end up being "Danno" in Hawaii-Five-O. The middle child, Ernst, was played by an actor called Tommy Kirk who was also the lead role in Old Yeller. He ended up getting fired by Disney for being gay... So was there anything we liked in Swiss Family Robinson...?

 

MERRYWEATHER: The treehouse was clever. Necessity is the mother of all invention, as they say. Their inventions are cool.

IRVYNE: Sorry Mr. Disney. This might have been amazing in 1960, but today it's just painful to watch. According to the box office reports, people loved it... It was the best-selling movie of 1960. It even outsold Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho," which just seems criminal! I will not be upset if I never see this movie again.